Secret Epilogue Hints At God Of War IV?
Obsessive Answers To Sonic The Hedgehog 4 Questions

Aperture Science Began WIth Shower Curtains

Shower curtain rings The mysterious Aperture Science from Valve's surprise hit Portal has a long history beyond creating portal technology, GLaDOS, and deadly neurotoxins.  The development team crafted an entire fictional history for the company while creating the game, and now that Portal 2 is on the way, Game Informer has acquired the Aperture timeline in which we see how its product line came to be.  Surprisingly, Aperture began not with computers or sophisticated science, but with shower curtains.

1953 – Aperture Science begins operations as a manufacturer of shower curtains. Early product line provides a very low-tech portal between the inside and outside of your shower. Very little science is actually involved. The name is chosen to make the curtains appear more hygienic.

1956 – Eisenhower administration awards Aperture a contract to provide shower curtains to all branches of the military except the Navy.

1957 - 1973 – Mostly shower curtains.

Then things go off the rails.  Or, since we're talking about shower curtains, off the rings.

1974 – Aperture Founder and CEO, Cave Johnson, is exposed to mercury while secretly developing a dangerous mercury-injected rubber sheeting from which he plans to manufacture seven deadly shower curtains to be given as gifts to each member of the House Naval Appropriations committee.

1976 – Both of Cave Johnson’s kidneys fail. Brain damaged, dying, and incapable of being convinced that time is not now flowing backwards, Johnson lays out a three-tier R&D program. The results, he says, will “guarantee the continued success of Aperture Science far into the fast-approaching distant past.”

  1. The Heimlich Counter-Maneuver – A reliable technique for interrupting the life-saving Heimlich Maneuver.
  2. The Take-A-Wish Foundation – A charitable organization that will purchase wishes from the parents of terminally ill children and redistribute them to wish-deprived but otherwise healthy adults.
  3. “Some kind of rip in the fabric of space…that would…well, it’d be like, I don’t know, something that would help with the shower curtains I guess. I haven’t worked this idea out as much as the wish-taking one.”

I love the creativity behind these downright evil initiatives.  What possible positive uses could there be for a counter to the Heimlich maneuver or an organization that deprives terminally ill children of their dreams?  Then again, we're known for a while that Aperture isn't quite operating on the level.  Some of the best GLaDOS dialog in the original Portal involves announcements regarding other Aperture programs and projects.  "Did you know you can donate one or all of your vital organs to the Aperture Science Self Esteem Fund for Girls? It's true!"  Of all the things I want from Portal 2, more incidental dialog of this amusingly nefarious nature is at the top of the list.