DDR: Mario Mix Impressions At AMN
Inside The DS Rumble Pak

"Come. Grab my whip, Timothy Bradley."

Worlds of Power - Castlevania II: Simon's QuestThose of us who grew up in those crazy day-glo days that were the 1980s most likely remember the Worlds Of Power book series (unless of course you repressed the memories which is entirely normal in a situation such as this).  For the rest of you, the ten Worlds Of Power novels were based loosely (and I do mean loosely) on popular Nintendo Entertainment System games of the time.  Popular games such as Blaster Master and Castlevania II: Simon's Quest were turned into the most banal, pointless novels that one could possibly imagine written by the pseudonym F.X. Nine.  Most books played fast and loose with the games they represented, coming off more like the worst Internet fanfic in which the authors place themselves into the story in order to fight beside their favorite heroes and everyone learns a valuable lesson in the end.  Major General Panic of Everything2 has risked his sanity by returning to the Castlevania novel after all these years, providing a summary of the book and even sharing snippets of the worst of the text.

The main character is Tim Bradley, a normal kid. He's quite smart, and loves puns and chocolate. He's a good runner but not interested in sports, because he likes video games instead. He's obsessed with Castlevania but can't make his way through anything else in the horror genre, be it book, movie, or comic. He's fourteen and converses at a second-grade level. He's about to get the shock of his life!  While avoiding a big mean bully, whose girlfriend Tim accidentally asked out on a date to the used video game store (she accepted), Tim dodges into the bathroom and meets Simon Belmont, who has traveled through an interdimensional portal in order to ask for Tim's help. Tim, of course, is happy to oblige.

I actually bought two of these books back in the day, the aforementioned Castlevania II and Mega Man 2.  Unfortunately, for as bad as the book based on Castlevania was, the Mega Man novel was far worse.  It was part of the Junior Worlds Of Power series, meaning that the length and vocabulary of the book were pitched far lower in order to reach younger readers.  In that installment Mega Man accidentally becomes human and must learn to deal with emotions while battling Dr. Wily's robots.  Even after all these years I still want that hour of my life back so I can do something better with it.